Depression 2022

And Jesus said unto him, “Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise.”

https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Luke-23-43/

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.  https://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Psalms-30-5/

 You need not fear the darkness if you are walking with the Light of the World

Depression can be caused by many different things.  There are no clear signs of depression, and you will never know who suffers from depression.  Like me, I have been suffering from depression for now 9 years.  Listen to find out why and how I still manage to stay sane....most of the time.

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Hello one and all. It is me, Stephanie. And before we start to set our soul free, I want to remind you to don't forget to subscribe to the channel, click the like, and leave a comment. Also, don't forget to hit the little notification bell so you know when new videos post. As always, I know we won't always agree, and that's okay. Man wasn't meant to always agree with one another. That's what makes our world that God created unique because everyone has a difference of opinion and I'm okay with it. Leave your comments so we can keep the conversation going. Remember, it's not about me, it's about you. It's about our youth. It's about setting our souls free with me. Stephanie. So let's get into it. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Wherever you are, in whatever part of the country you may live in, I greet you and say thank you for blessing me with your presence. It is time to set your soul free with me, Stephanie. So let's see what we can be blessed with today. So glad I'm here. So glad I'm here. So glad I'm here in Jesus' name. Oh I'm so glad I'm here. So glad I'm here. So glad I'm here in Jesus' name. Could have been gone could have been gone could have been gone in Jesus' name. Oh I could have been gone. Could have been gone could have been gone in Jesus' name. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night. Wherever you are and whatever part of the world you are in, I greet you. It is time to set your soul free with me, Stephanie. So today we're gonna talk about depression. Why? Because we got more people, adults and young people alike, that are depressed. And we are not talking about it like we should. So Tuesday, this past Tuesday, would have been nine years, or not would have been, is nine years since my father got his mansion and went on to glory. I am still suffering bouts of insomnia from that. I'm still bouting depression from that. So it is something that we need to talk about because we also have our young people. You know, young people who don't know what it is that they're feeling, young people who don't understand why do I feel this way? Why do I feel funny? Why do I not care about things? It's something that we need to talk about, not as just as adults, but we need to pay attention that our young people are facing it as well. So one scripture that comes to mind is Luke 23, 43. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, today shalt thou be with me in paradise. Now the one that we all know about, that people talk about all the time is Psalms 35. For his anger endureth but a moment, but in his favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. It's that Psalms 30th chapter, fifth verse that we know, but we don't hear about that first part. The only part you ever hear people recite to you when you're going through something, when you're feeling something, the only part of that verse that you always hear is weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. So basically, it's like you need not fear the darkness if you're walking in the light of the world. And with depression, for some, the main part of depression is death. For others, it could be bullying, for others, it could be loss of a good job, loss of family, whatever the case may be. But in my case, it was it was death for me. So death is hard for anybody, no matter how prepared we may be for the passing of a loved one, it does not soften the blow when God comes down and gets them. Like I said, this past Tuesday would have been nine years for my father. Yes, we knew his time was coming. It happened so fast. It's like one minute, we're getting the cancer diagnosis. And then shortly after, by the time we got that diagnosis, we was already at the app, we were already at the let's try to make him comfortable stage. I'm like, wait, what? And then the next thing we know, he was gone. I'm like, I didn't even have time to process what was going on, and he's gone. And even though, you know, people say, you know, we knew we were you are never prepared. Being prepared is in words. You're never prepared when someone dies. You know, of course you're not prepared when it's unexpected, but even when you know, like cancer or some illness that you just knew they weren't going to get better from. Yeah, you can prepare yourself all day, but until it happens, you are never prepared. People have different ways of mourning. Some choose to work through the hurt to keep their minds occupied, others shut down for a while to get a grip on actually losing their loved one, and still there are others who go into a deep depression that sometimes keeps them in darkness longer than necessary. Like I said, July 19th, 2022, will make nine years my dad got his mansion in glory, and there was only two of us. It was me and it was my brother. And I'm the oldest, daddy's girl. So daddy's girl, mama's boy. So of course, you got three different people in our house: my mom, me, my brother. That's three different ways of mourning. My mother, God be the glory, she was the rock, she was the one that got everything taken care of. She's the one that's still standing strong. She's the one that she'll tell me she has her moments where she breaks down, which I'm sure she would. That was her husband. You know, yeah, she's gonna have her bouts. But then there's me. I'm the one that every time I see a father-daughter having a uh a moment, or like I said, the episode of the cruise where Eat's dad came riding across the the the cavern to tomorrow to save Eape when she blew that horn and she jumped around his neck and said, I love you, I lost it. Don't ask now why? Seen that movie so many times, but now it meant something different because I don't have my dad. I don't have him. So, and then there's my brother who is like my dad. He's quiet. So we don't know how he's processing it, and even nine years later, I don't know how he's processing it. My oldest son, who just turned 18, well, he ain't just turned 18, who is 18, was 9'10 at the time. He was old enough that he knew what the word corner, he could read corner, because we had just left my parents' house because I had a delivery of candied apples to make, and we just left to go to this church to deliver the candied apples, and she called me on the phone. Soon as we pulled up the people coming outside to get their order, she called me and told me that he was gone. The hubby had to take it to him because I was a complete mess. Thanking God that I was saw him first and I spent time there before I left for the delivery, it's just the point of God knew that I did not need to be there when he actually called him home. Actually, nobody was in the room with him. We had a house full of people. But mom walked out of the room, and when she came back, she had to call one of my uncles in there to confirm because he just looked like he was sleeping. So it hurt because here's a man who took care of himself, you know, was below the weight he's supposed to be, had not that much body fat. Here he was doing this and this and this and this, and God chose him versus the people who could care less what they do to their body, you know, destroy it, and they're living long, healthy lives, dying of natural causes, but you took my father. So I have no problem telling you I'm pissed, and I'm just I'm just gonna say it like it's I'm not gonna say I'm angry, I'm not gonna say I'm upset. I am pissed that God chose to take my father, who I expected to still be here to see the grandchildren. Well, he saw the grandchildren, but then we had we ended up getting the great-grandchildren, um, and he's not here to see that. My son graduated from high school. That was an emotional time for me because my dad's not here. He turned 16, he wasn't here. He turned 18, he wasn't here. He graduated from high school, he wasn't here. It's like every time a major thing comes, I'm gonna lose it. It's gonna be every time I see movies now mean something different. It's like I cannot watch any father-daughter movies because I don't know when I'm going to lose it. And I try not to do that in front of the children because they're already upset, especially my oldest, who was old enough to understand. He is like me. We could talk about my dad for so long, but then we gotta cut it short because I'm like, okay, that's enough. That's enough death talk for today. But I'm saying that to say this depression affects people different ways. Like I said, in my house, it affects three different people three different ways. My mother can take it and run. My brother, we have no clue. Because he's that marine, we don't know what he's feeling. Me, I am a ball of slob, is basically what I am. I'm sitting in my padded cell in my Scooby-Doo straight jacket, bumping my head up against the wall, blowing bubbles, talking to myself, because I am just at a loss. That day, June 19th, 2018, is when insomnia started. I could not sleep. I would stay up till 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning, turn around and go to work at 8, and be functioning all day. And I have noticed that it has started again. And it took me probably a couple of days before his anniversary for me to realize why. Because now I have to be at work at 5:15. I may not lay down until 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and jump back up, get up and keep it moving. And it took me a while until I was ministering to somebody else that that was the reason why. The insomnia is kicking in because it's the anniversary of his passing. And like I said, people deal with it in different ways. And that's okay. It's like I said, it's it's okay. You know, some people, you know, I tell people never tell, never let somebody tell you how long you can mourn. They have no right to tell you. Okay, you need to get over it, which my mother has done. You need to get over it, move on. It's been so many years. I'm sorry, that wasn't your father. He was your husband, but he was my father. Two different ways of grieving. I can't get over it that fast, and I never will. And what I love about God is that he knows I'm mad. He knows I am pissed beyond pestivity. He knows that if he deems me worthy and I get to glory, we're gonna have us a chat. Explain this to me. And that's okay because, like I keep telling people, God is a parent. Just like when we do stuff with our children that they might not understand and they may hate us, they may dislike us, they may not talk to us, whatever the case may be, it's all because we we're doing what we think is best. Well, that's the same thing with the father. We don't know everything that's going on. He makes decisions that we may not be able to understand, and don't get me wrong, as the years have gone on, my mother, I guess as I've shown, you know, that I'm better, that I'm not gonna jump off the deep end. She's opened up more about his illness. He died of colon cancer, but according to my mother, it was the kind where he should have been in pain all the time, and he wasn't. He was peaceful, he could be moved when he could move, but she said what the doctors were telling her was he had the kind of colon cancer where it was where he should have been in like excruciating pain, and he wasn't. Well, glory to God for that much, because that would have really sent me to the to the to the psychiatric ward if not only my father's not doing well, but he's also in pain and there's nothing I can do. So people grieve in different ways, and I'm telling you, never have someone tell you how long you can grieve. Now, I'm gonna say that to say this do not stay down there for long. We know when we get sad, when we get depressed, we do some stupid stuff, we do stuff irrational, we do stuff based off of emotion, and a lot of times it gets us into trouble that we can't get out of. So I'm gonna say, don't have somebody tell you how long you can grieve, but at the same time, don't stay down for long because that's when the devil will slide in. Because now it's feeding off of your anger, it's feeding off of your sadness, it's feeding off of how you're feeling, and it's gonna make you do things that if you were in your right state of mind, you wouldn't do. Yes, there the signs were there that God was on his way for my father. Yeah, we we knew mama, you know, broke it down to us, you know, every time he had an appointment, every time this, when the hospice lady started coming, mama started telling us what was going on, but it did nothing when I got the call that he was gone. I said, and it still hurts. As bad as today is it when he left, it still rips my soul, even to this day, nine years later. A piece of me, literally, I now understand what it means when someone dies or something happens to someone, and they make that comment that the day that happened, a piece of me was gone. Literally, half of my heart left when he left. It's it's gone. There's a lot of stuff I used to do, I don't do anymore. And that's it's like I said, I understand now what people mean when they say that, because your life changes when something that traumatic happens. And it doesn't have to be death. Like I said, it could be loss of a job, loss of a marriage, loss of something. It could be anything. Anything that meant something to you that you now put you in a depressed state, a piece of you disappears when that happens. And in my case, it was death. My father passing, it took half of my heart with it. Half of my heart, half of my soul, half of my spirit, half of me died when he died. But it's okay. Like I said, it still hurts. It's it's still fresh today as the phone call when she called me when I pulled up at that church making a it's still just as new. So that verse I said, Psalms 30 and 5, that part, that second part that we hear all the time. Again, weeping may endure for a night, joy, but joy cometh in the morning. My weeping has endured now for nine years, and I'm still waiting on that joy to come in the morning. I love it when people because people know me. You know, I'm gonna give it to you from a different perspective, but I'm also gonna be real. I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything. Yeah, I know that verse, and now I understand how empty that verse is when I hear it said to other people, because now I'm on the other end of that spectrum. I'm not the one telling you I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't tell people that. I tell people my soul is mourning with you, my spirit is screaming with the family because I'm screaming no just like you are. I don't tell people sorry for your loss. No, I'm telling you exactly how I feel. I'm mourning with you. I'm crying with you. My soul is screaming no with you because I know how that feels. The words is just like a police telling you something happened to your loved one, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just like it's a routine, it's something that we're used to. No, my soul is screaming right along with you because I've been down that road. I know how that feels. My soul is screaming just as loud as yours. But like I said, and I love it because people thinking because I'm in the ministry, well, she's supposed to, yeah, I am supposed to know. And I do know that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I'm still weeping, and I'm on year nine. I'm still weeping, and I'm still waiting on that joy to come in the morning. But what it hasn't done, it has not changed my faith, it has not changed who I am, it has not changed how my father raised me to be. So I can be weeping for it now into eternity, may never see that joy, but it still doesn't change what I'm supposed to do. It still hasn't changed, you know, my faith in my father, my my determination. It it still hasn't changed. I am a little better. Like now, I'm still having the sleepless nights, the sleepless nights, but I still have the flashes and the memories, or something that, like I said, that happened on TV that reminds me of my dad, and I'm bawling like he just passed. Like I said, it's movies I seen forever, ain't got nothing to do with a father or daughter, but immediately I think of my father, and here I am bawling like a wet bag of butter. And I feel so bad for the honey. Y'all pray for the husband because he don't know when these are about to happen. And all he can do is pat my back because he's like, you know what? I feel so bad for him some days because he's like, one minute we having a conversation, the next minute he sees me up and covering my face because I'm in the room with the kids and I'm bawling and quiet, and he just all he could do is just pat my pat my back because he's like, you know what. And it's because you never know when it happens, just you never know what triggers nostalgia. You know, it used to be I thought it was the father-daughter thing, you know, the the emotional father, not every father-daughter, but the emotional father-daughter scenes. But no, it could be just something that that's going on on TV that reminds me of what me and my dad did, or reminds me of what we used to do, or what I've seen my dad do, and then I'm starting all over again, just like I just got the news that day. You know, but I know I'll be okay because I got over 20 babies, I got 20 kids, families, seniors, I got 20 people that depend on me to keep it together because I got to lead them to the road of righteousness. And you know, they they're the ones that's been my therapy for years. They're the ones that have stopped me from completely going off my rocker. As a friend would say, they're the ones that stop my cheese sliding off the cracker because I know my babies are looking at me. They're looking at me when certain situations pop up to see how I react. Because they've told me, you know, how they see me react to situations helps them react when they come up to something that's the same. So I can't sit up there and be a big ball of mess trying to tell them to keep your faith in God, always stay strong, but then they sit there and I can't even talk because I'm doing that ugly cry. That that that talking that you can't do because you're too busy heaving, trying to catch a breath. I can't do that. So they've been my therapy to keep me sane between them and the children, my kids, you know, my actual kids. They, you know, they're the ones that keep me from just being just just like I forget, forget it. I I quit. I give up. I don't want to do nothing. Just I'm just done. Just leave me alone. And sadly, that's what it was after my father passed. I didn't do anything. I stayed in the bed. I didn't do nothing. I didn't cook, I didn't do nothing. I didn't want to do nothing. I didn't want to see nobody, much less talk to anybody. I just didn't want to do anything. But we have to have that moment. You know, the thing about it is, you know, when he passed, yeah, I'd had this moment, but I made I'm one of those ones that made myself still keep working. My father passed on, we buried him on that Saturday. The Youth and Young Adult choir was singing that Sunday. Well, I'm the choir director. I'm the choir president. I could not miss church because of that. So come Sunday morning, I'm back up in the choir. We're dancing, we're singing, we're doing everything we're supposed to do. Me working is what kept me sane because I had something to do, something that kept my mind off of what was going on. Now, in turn, I think that's how the insomnia kicked in because I was doing too much. If y'all heard me talk before, you've heard me talk about how sometimes we put more stuff on our plate than we're supposed to, where we're doing too much. Well, I was doing too much, and I knew it was affecting me because I'm diabetic. Although, if you see me, you see the way I eat, you would never think I was. I'm diabetic, it's controlled, but I'm diabetic. So therefore I'm not taking care of my body because I'm I'm working too much, I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, but I'm still functioning. I may look like a zombie, but I'm still functioning. But it goes back to what I said different people mourn different ways. People have bounced with depression. Even now, when we talk about depression, and I'm telling people I've been depressed for over nine years, and they're looking at me like, wait, what? Because they've seen me over the past nine years since my father passed. Still doing stuff in the church. Still got the bakery, still got the ministry, still got the e-commerce, still got the nonprofit. I'm still working just like it's a regular day. But little do they know that behind closed doors, behind this facade, I'm depressed. I'm functioning off of depression. You just don't know. You're seeing what I have to do to get through the day. But behind all of that is depression. And they're surprised by that because I don't look like what people would consider a depressed person will look like. I'm not withdrawn. Nothing about me has changed. I haven't done anything that makes you raise an eyebrow thinking something is wrong. Nothing about me is different. Which brings up that other part. We, you never know how somebody is feeling. When you have these families talk about their loved ones, they found out suffered from depression and they committed suicide or they did something where death by suicide cop or something like that, or whatever the case may be. And they're like, Well, we didn't know. Well, because we didn't want you to know. That's the thing about depression. We can hide it very well. We'll only let you know if we want you to know. And then again, for some, if we do throw that hint out there that there's a problem, you may only get that one chance. And if you don't catch that hint, that was your opportunity to stop us. That was your opportunity to help. Not everybody who's depressed lets people know that they're depressed. And if they do, they do it in a subtle way, without just straight coming out saying, you know, I'm suffering from depression. They have subtle ways of doing it. And it's like that's that one and done. You know, I'm gonna throw it out there to see if somebody can help me. And if the wrong person gets a hold of them and they're belittling them instead of getting them help, well, we all know what happens with that. So I'm here to tell you that just because a person's walking and talking and loving life and laughing and looking at you dead in your face does not mean that when they go home at night, they're not suffering from some form of depression, that they're not on the verge of just saying, you know what, to heck with everything, I'm out. You never know. And I'm standing here, like I said, told you when I first started this. I will use myself as a witness. Told you when I started. I'm that living witness to tell you, you will never know how depressed we are because we won't tell you. Now I told the hubby because he's the hubby. So if I really go off my rocker and it interferes with the diabetes and not and low blood sugar and bomb that, well, now he knows. But he knows I'm not that far gone either. So it's like I said, I'm not like most depressed people where they have to get the medication. Although my mother tried to ask me if I need to get some sleep medication because I wasn't sleeping. I'm still not. But in my mind, I'm not that far yet. I'm still functioning, I can still get up and do my job, I can still take care of the house. I could still, there's still things I can do. Now, I say that to say this. I'm not gonna be in denial if that time comes. I'm not gonna be in denial that maybe I do need something to help me sleep, something to take the edge off, something that'll help. I'm not gonna deny that when that time comes, but I'm not there yet. Like I said, I got too many people that depend on me staying focused to keep them focused. And to me, that's that's God's way of giving me my therapy by giving me my babies, you know, my ministry. That's that's to me, that's his therapy for giving it to me because he knows that I'm a big ball of mess. He knows I am highly upset with him, but he also knows what's gonna keep me doing what I need to do, what's gonna keep me from being tipped over because of those babies. Those babies talk to me. I contact them every day. Like I said, those who want me to keep up with them, I keep up with them. I ask them how they're doing, how the day going. You know, I send them I love you like this today, earlier today. I sent the mass text out to my babies, tell them, you know, love you, how you doing? And they send me these texts back with all these hearts and smiley faces. Sometimes it does not hurt to tell somebody you love them, whether you know me, whether you know them or not. So let me tell you now, I love you, love you to pieces, yes I do. I ain't got to know you to love you. That's what I love about what I do. I don't have to know you to love you. And people know me, know that when I love you, it's genuine. When I hug you, it's that old-fashioned southern bear hug, crack your back, no need for a chiropractor kind of hug. Because I'm showing you that hug that shows you that I love you, I care about you, I'm glad to see you. I don't do those little pats on the back or those little pats on the don't touch me. If that's how you're gonna hug me, don't touch me, because that's insulting. Don't do that anyway. So we're getting out. See, look, talking about that, don't make me get out of what we're talking about. So, therapy for my babies is is what's kept me here. It's like I said, everybody who who suffers from depression has a a light. That's why my motto is be that light in someone else's darkness. Everyone who suffers from depression has a light. It may not be bright, but they have something that still keeps them on this side of the river. It's when people who call themselves helping do actually hinder, is why we keep losing souls. But then again, I go that to say that's again, I say that to say this. You never know when we are depressed because we will not tell you. Or we'll do it in a subtle way, and like how people ask for help without actually asking for help, you know, because it could be because they're embarrassed, you know, they they're they're just don't want nobody to know their business, whatever the case may be. That's how it is with depression. You know, we'll hint that we're depressed without actually saying we're depressed, and sometimes people are saying it to the wrong people. You know, they mean well, but they gotta belittle you first before they get to the you know, you can call such and such, and they could probably help you. Well, you just you wrecked it for me now. Never mind, you just messed it up because I was already close to the edge, and you just went over and kicked me on over. That's why I'm here because I've I know what that's like. I'm still going through it now. That's why I'm like, you know, you don't know what people are feeling, and I I express that to my babies now because you know, it's really being prevalent in the children. You know, this corona thing just added on top of the bullying thing and the cyberbullying thing and the pressures of going to school. So I tell my babies now, when we're in our little meetings and we're talking, I'm like, do not sit up there and do that that joaning. We called it joning. That's when you burn on people, you talk about them. Because, you know, we had rules when we did it. Kids today, too sensitive. You know, what may been funny yesterday to your friend may not be funny today. And if you try that again today, that may be the day they decide to bring a weapon because you don't know what happened when they went home that night to where they're at the point now where they come to school like the first person that does something, I'm lighting the school up. So I tell my babies now, don't play like that. You know, when you leave that person that one day, when you come back the next day, make it a brand new day. Start all over from scratch, but also tell them to pay attention. If something is not quite right with your friend the next day, don't talk to them because something's going on. And if it concerns you enough, you need to find an adult because something's going on that happened between the time you saw them yesterday to the time they walked into that building. An adult needs to grab a hold of them and find out what's going on. I'm teaching my babies to be observant because that's what I was. I could have gotten a lot more trouble when I was younger, but I was observant. I knew when something was going on and I knew when to step away. Same thing now when it comes to depression. When you're looking at people, you know, like me. You can look at me, you ain't gonna tell, because I'm goofy as all I do is I'm gonna tell you now, like I told you last time, I'll put a psychiatric professional in a psychiatric home, reinventing his occupation because he thought he knew what he was talking about. I ain't got no problem with it. I'll put a school of psychiatrists in a in a home trying to figure out what did they go wrong. Because you'll never know by looking at me. I'm still goofy, I'm still silly, because that's how I am. You know, I can't be serious all the time. Life is too short. I got too many things to do. I can't be serious with you all the time. I got to break it up sometimes. We got to laugh, have some fun, love life, at least fake it. So it's those babies that keep me grounded, but it's those babies that I look at. You know, when like I told you, when they come in the door, uh-huh, what's what's the problem? Nope, nope. Especially my ones that I know smile all the time. Nope, mm-mm. You ain't even cracking the smile. Come talk to me, come talk to me. I'm one of those few adults that when I see it, I'm going to stop you. And if that means stopping what we're talking about that day, doggone it, that's what we're gonna do. You know what, everybody, pull out your cell phones and talk amongst yourselves. You come here. We need to talk. That's what I do. That's how I earn the respect and the love of my young people because I actually paid attention. You know, I didn't sit up there and are you okay? And if they say yeah, okay, as long as you okay, no, I don't do that. Are you okay? Yeah, no, you're not. How are you gonna sit there and lie to me in my face? How dare you? And it makes them laugh because that's what I do. You know, laughter is the best medicine. If you laugh, you forgot about what you're going through for that split second. And that's all you need sometimes is to forget about your problems for a hot second. You're depressed, somebody says something, you laugh, you forgot about it for a minute, but then you start realizing the goodness is going on. Then you realize, okay, I ain't done this in a while, I ain't done this in a while. You know what? I ain't called such and such. And that's all it takes. And that's what I do. And I tell my young people all the time, when they bring new people, make sure you tell them about me, because I'm not like all these other ministers. You don't know when I'm gonna go off on a curveball somewhere. And they're like, Yeah, we told them, just as long as you know that if I go off on a curve somewhere, just tell them, hold on, just let her circle the block, she'll be back. Depression is real, and with school starting back up again, it's gonna start all over again because now Corona done invited some more relatives to this reunion. I think we're on what? Dexacron, Dexatron, whatever it is now. Now we're on something else, but now a distant cousin that they don't even talk about. Monkeypox didn't decide to join a reunion. It's so much stuff going on already adding to the pressure of them going to school, you know, having the option to wear masks or not to wear masks. Then you got to clean your own desks because, like I said, I've talked, I keep up with my babies. Some of them have to clean, or they've been told that they have to disinfect their own area. Then they're upset when somebody tests positive, they tell them that they was around somebody, but they can't, but they don't tell them who it was. It's like they're going through so much that we don't know about. When our kids leave our house and go to school, we don't know what they're seeing, what they're hearing, what's being a part of. We don't know what stresses are being put upon them when they leave our house. They may leave our house happy to go to school, be with their friends, blah blah blah blah. But then by the time they get back, it looks like they've been in a war that they weren't prepared for, that they didn't have no sword and shield ready. We don't know. Then you still got the social medias that's the problem. There's still the cyberbullying, it's not as much, but there's still some. You still got these kids doing these TikTok challenges. I don't know why. But depression shows itself in different ways. You know, you may try to self-medicate yourself, do something like what everybody else is doing, you know, have fun, do what they're doing. Well, they could probably do it in the work for them, but it'll probably make your situation worse. We have got to talk to these babies, we have got to pay attention, and that's the job of the village, you know, the village that apparently ceased to be. We need to get that village back again. That's the point of the village, to look at these children, especially, and it starts with the ones that you do know. You know their their mindscape, you know their demeanor, you know how they are on a regular basis, but then you see them and something's different, something's wrong. You need to figure out what that is because you don't know what their mindset is, you don't know what has happened to them, and you don't know where in that mindset they are before they do something about it. We need to talk to them, find out what is going on. You know, again, my babies are the reason when darkness closes in, it couldn't keep a hold on me. I'm sorry. When darkness started closing in, like a couple of last week and still into this week, I'm still not quite there. I'm still doing the insomnia thing. When darkness closes in, it couldn't keep a hold. It closed in on me for a little bit, but then I busted out like I was supergirl. You know, you know, we're not doing this today. You know, I have a job to do. God called me to fulfill a purpose, and depression has no place in my life, at least not for long. For I will continue to do what God called me to do. I am depressed most of the time, but I won't show it. Just like I can tell when something's wrong with them, my kids can tell when something's wrong with me. It's like I told you when they walk in the room and I see something is wrong with them, little do I know they see when something's wrong with me. So they knew when my father passed, because we he was part of the church, they're all part of the church. So everybody knew him. So they knew when he passed, I wasn't gonna be quite right, uh, you know, for a while. They knew that. What I wasn't gonna allow them to do is to see that continue on my face. Because when I walked into that building, the my problems of the world need to stay outside. So even though my father passed, that's a worldly thing. That needs to stay outside the church because when I walk in the church, my babies are looking to me for guidance, they're looking to me for positivity, they're looking to see what crazy thing is Reverend Rogers gonna talk about today. That's what they're looking to me about. And if I walk in that room and they walk in and they see my face and they see something's wrong, I didn't, I don't need not one child asking me, Are you okay? Nope, we're not doing that. Because then they're worrying about me. And I'm not gonna have no child worry about me. That's that's not how it works. Children should not be worrying about adults. When they walk in there, they should be ready to go. You know, they know it's supposed to be fun. We're gonna have fun, we're gonna learn, you know, they're gonna put things in perspective to me of what God wants me to do. You know, they're gonna do this. They don't need to walk in that room and look at my face and be like, uh-oh, something's not right. No, I'm not just gonna have them babies worried about me. That's why I said God sent those babies as my therapy because he knows as long as they saw me, and it wasn't always in the church. Like I said, we went out to eat. Sometimes they came to the house, we had sleepovers, and they know when they came over here I fed them, but I always had to give them snickerdoodles no matter what else I gave them. They could care less, they appreciate it, but I had to give them snickerdoodles. Oh my gosh. But I made sure that whatever I was doing, whatever however I was feeling, I kept that in check because I knew they were watching me, and I did not want on my soul, on my spirit, in my nightmares to know that my child or my babies walked up out of here concerned about me because that's not how it's supposed to be. So that is my therapy, and it's been my therapy. So today I want you to find your joy. People always say God is, and we know he is. That's the one thing my mother keeps saying. You gotta tell yourself God is. You need to get over. No, you need to stay in your lane and let me stay in mine. I know God is. I'm the one that's been ministering it to people for over 20 years. I know he is. But sometimes it's just not enough. And yes, you heard a preacher say it. Sometimes God is just isn't enough. I know my father is with me in spirit. I know that. But I want him here in the flesh. You know, that's the part people don't understand, you know, because how you dealt with death in your family is one thing, how I'm dealing with it is something totally different. I want my father here in the flesh. Yes, I know he's here in the spirit. He has told me on numerous occasions when I'm about to have the cheese slide off my cracker, the wind blows and hits my face the right way, and that's my father, my earthly father, telling me, I'm gonna need you to hold, keep that in check. Don't do that around my kids, because my father was a big man, but he was quiet. Big meaning he was tall. But he was quiet. But he had that facial expression of the of us babies growing up in the 70s and 80s that if he looked at you, dog gone it, you better do what he said, because that's all he had to do was look. He didn't have to say a word, just look. And he was he was good on his emotions too, you know. He got you saw him get happy in his little ways, but for the most part, he kept his emotions in check because, like him, we were looking at him for strength. And if he lost it, he knew we was gonna lose it. So that's what I learned when I got into the ministry. If something's going on with me, my kids see it. Just like if something's going on with them, I can see it. Well, I'm not fit to have that on my spirit that my babies left the church, not listening to what was being taught that day because they were more concerned about what was going on with Reverend Rogers. We weren't doing that, we're not doing it. That's why I say my babies, even today, are still my therapy. They are still my therapy, and they're old now. When we started this ministry over 20-something years ago, some of them weren't even born yet. But those that came through then not have families of their own, and then their children came through. Now keep in mind I'm not that old. So when this ministry started, I was just as young as they were. Um, and then their children came through. Then we got the cousins that came through, and then the cousins of the cousins, and now the new group that's here now have since they were in elementary school. And anybody who knows children today, youth today, when they hit that teen years, the stuff that they used to do, they don't do anymore. So I give God all the glory that now they're 16, 15, 14, in those years where the egos and the characteristics and the the reputations that they think they have that they don't kick in. But I'm still allowed to call them my babies. They still get just as giddy as a newborn baby when you're talking to them and they're just loving the way you're talking to them. They still give me that smile. They still give me that love when I say, How are my babies doing? I miss my babies. We miss you too. And they it's it's that lets me know what I've been doing is working. Because after all these years, they still don't care if I call them my babies. They'll text me in a heartbeat with all these hearts and love emojis. That's my therapy. When I say that's my therapy, that's my therapy. That's so many years later, as they're getting older, they still want to talk to me. They still come to me with questions, they still love it when I call them my babies, and they all have nicknames. I gave them nicknames when they were younger, and they still love it that I still call them that. That is the confirmation I need that, you know, despite of everything that you're going through, everything that you're still going through, this is why you're still here. This is why you're still relevant. This is why, in their eyes, you are worthy. Because even though they know everything that's on your plate, they know what's been going on, they still see the light in you and they're still willing to be there for you. So that's my therapy. Not everybody has that option, which you've heard me mention that before. Some people have options that others don't. Some people have access to resources, others don't. Some people that are have forms of depression don't have that family life that can help them. They don't have that one person that they can talk to that can keep them off the ledge, not just talk them down, keep them off the ledge. That's why I keep telling my babies, you know, you don't have to be around a group of people. If you just got that one, that one good person that will be there for you, that you know no matter how mad you get is the one that tells you, okay, you need to wind that down a tanch because now you're talking foolish. All you need is that one. You don't need to have a group of people, you just need that one good friend. Like I said, Eminem is my best friend. Been best friends for over 30 years. Even when we didn't talk for a while because of a dispute that had nothing to do with me and her personally, we were still having each other's back. You know, and we're best friends now, and that's and that's what I use as that example. And I was so glad that she came to the church a couple of times for them to see she exists. This is my buddy Eminem that's been my bestie for over 30 years, and we still communicate. She's that one good friend that I have that no matter what I did, no matter how crazy I got, she was the one that reeled me back in. Like, okay, now you're talking stupid. I'm gonna need you to come back over here because now you're talking foolish and we ain't fans to do that. That's what my babies and and adult, and I'm not saying just babies, because I mean it's more youth and young adults now, but you got adults in there too. They need someone they can talk to. You know, and sometimes people do better when it's somebody they don't know. Because if they don't know me, they can't judge me. They know nothing about me. And that's okay. I don't judge regardless anyway. How can I judge you? If I'm gonna judge you, then I need to sit in a in a defense box myself to be judged with the things that I've done that was beyond ignorant. But depression is real. You're listening to someone who was going on nine years. I'm still in my insomnia phase, and it may last a while because, like I said, with the ministry now going into nonprofit, and I still have the bakery, I got an e-commerce, I got so much stuff going on. I've now started a mentoring one-on-one where people can talk to me one-on-one. There's so many things that I'm doing, so I'm I'm back in that stage where I'm doing stuff to keep myself busy. It'll wear off, probably, but until then, I've I'm doing stuff to keep myself busy because depression is real. I can smile. We've been talking and laughing and playing. I'm depressed as all outdoors. But I got a job today, so depression doesn't hold me for long. I may let it give me for a hot second, you know, to bring me back to reality, to know that, you know. I'm human. I got emotions. I got feelings. I got things I need to work through. But I don't let it keep me there because I got things to do. I got people that depend on me. I got people who look to me for their light. And they can't get their light if my light's not shining. So I got things to do. And that is my therapy. That's what keeps me sane. That's what keeps me continuing on with this fight. Just knowing God is does not automatically stop the sadness, the anger, the hurt, and some for some the betrayal. Like I said, I know God is. I've been preaching it for years. I've spoken, like I said, I'm a motivational speaker. I tell people all the time, God is great. God is good. You know, I know He is. But sometimes, in some situations, that's just not enough. Now, is it saying that we have lost our faith in God? No. Is it saying that we lost our trust in God? No. Is it saying that we're going to turn away and walk away from God? No. It's not saying none of that. But sometimes we just want more. Like in my case, I want my father in the flesh, my earthly father. I want him in the flesh. I don't want to keep hearing people telling him, but he's here in spirit. That's nice. I know that. But I want him here in the flesh. I want to hold him. I want him to hug me. I want him to kiss my forehead like he used to. How I call him on the phone and he's like, hey, Stephanie, you know, so you can hear the happiness in his voice when his princess called. That's what I want. Now I say that to say this. The other part that keeps me from losing the deep end is me not waking up from like a dream, and I'm looking at my father looking at me with that look where he came down from glory to be like, Look here, you going a little bit too much, and I'm gonna need you to put that's what's keeping me off deep end, too. Because I don't want to wake up and see that. Lord knows I love him, Lord knows I miss him, but uh-uh. I don't need him to come back up here again. Nope, nope, don't do it. That's okay. I got it, I hear you, I'm gone. Uh-uh. That's a nope, not doing it. I don't need him staring at me from glory, like, uh, do I need to come down there? No, sir. No, you do not. I'm back. You got me back. I was about to go off, but you snatched me right back. So there's there's so many things. I told you I'm about loony as a loony being. There's so many things that that keep me doing what I need to do. We know that God is working through us and with us, and in time, He will heal our hearts and take away our sorrows. I know in time this will all be over for me. You know, I won't feel the depression. I won't, well, yeah, I will, but it probably won't be as bad. You know, I won't have the insomnia, I won't have this, I won't, you know, in time it'll heal. It will. But I tell you now, it's nine years later, I still haven't mourned for my father like I should have. Because everything happened so fast. He passed, then his funeral. Right after the funeral, that Sunday was Youth and Young Adult Sunday, which I'm like I said, I'm over the choir. So I had to take care of that. And then there was other things that was going on, so I was still working. I had too much work to do that I never, nine years later, still have not actually mourned for my father. You know, and I guess that one day when I need to just bawl, just give me a whole day where I do nothing but think of him and scream and cry and bawl and have a tantrum. Most likely then I probably feel a whole lot better. But until that day comes, I got work to do. I got people that look at me as their light, so I can't afford not to be that light in their darkness right now. So, you know, in time it'll heal. Just like with most people that are suffering depression, it'll it'll get better. It will. He will take away our pain, our fear, our depression, and our will to go on without them. So many people who are depressed, and I'm so glad that I haven't, I'm not that far, where you do have people who pass away, and some of them, you know, may live another month or two or six or a year or a couple of years, but in the end, when they when they leave this earth, it's because of the pain of the person that they lost. They never quite got over it. I will never get over the death of my father. Let's just make that perfectly clear. I had to make that clear to my mother. I'm so tired of having these conversations with her, I don't know what to do. I done had the conversations. I no, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever get over the death of my father. Will it stop me? No. Like I said, will it change my faith? Nope. Doesn't change nothing on the way I feel about God. No, it does not. It doesn't, it does not do none of that. Death is is what happens, it's a part of life. You know, we just have to deal with it and and keep it moving. And in my father's name, I'm gonna keep it moving. People, you know, children love my father, my father loved children. Same thing with me. Children love me, I love them. I'm just as goofy as they are too, which is probably another reason why I get along with them so well. I have things to do, and I take my job very seriously, all of my jobs seriously. But especially when it comes to my ministry, I take that very seriously when I know people are looking to me for help, for guidance. When they know something's going on and they know I'm mad about it, they're looking to see how I'm gonna handle it. Because how I handle it helps them handle whatever it is that's going on with them that I don't know about at the time. I hear about it afterwards, because they'll come and tell me afterwards, you know, how they were mad and then they saw me and it made them think this and this is what they did to handle their situation, which is another confirmation for me that I need to keep myself on the straight narrow, which is why I hold myself accountable. Just like I hold them accountable for what they do, I make sure they hold me accountable for the things that I do, whether seen or unseen. I'm making sure I'm being held accountable because right now we need more adults that young people can trust. I'm standing here as a living witness when you lose the trust of a young person. It's over. It's not like in the days when we were older, you know, when we were younger, and our parents say, Oh, that's just how such and such is, it'll be all right. And you forgive them and you go back to them. Young people don't do that. Once you have crushed their faith in you, it's gone. And right about now, we need as much trust from our young people as we possibly can because they are going through things that only an adult can answer. Don't get me wrong, when we were younger, we went to our little friends and cousins, and parents didn't know half the time what was going on because we weren't talking to them. Young people can't do that because the young person you're talking to don't know more about it than you do. They need an adult, someone they can trust, someone that's gonna be real with them, somebody that's not gonna always sugarcoat. Sometimes it's okay to sugarcoat it sometimes, but then sometimes it's not. You need to tell them exactly how it is. If you do this, this is exactly what's gonna happen to you. One of the other things that I teach them is every action has a reaction, which means if you do something and somebody reacts to that, you're gonna be the one to get in trouble because had you not have done what you did, wouldn't have made them do what they did. They know that, they have lived by that, they've told me that. We go through that every time they come to me and we're having one-on-ones, and they're talking about this person did this. Okay, but what did you do? And then they tell me what they did. Well, what'd you expect them to do? You think they're just gonna let that go? So uh we need to work on the village. The village has been abandoned for far too long. It's a ghost town. We need to get the elders back in there to clean it up, rebuild the buildings, rebuild the community. We need to get the village back for these children because so many children are looking for a mentor. Someone, all some of these children are looking for someone to advise them because they're not getting it from home. We need to get that village back open so they know that there is somewhere that they can go. Even if it's somebody they do know, somebody that they don't know, somebody that they don't know that turns into somebody that they do know because they trust them. You got to understand children, youth, young adults, even adults are our biggest word of mouth. If you can help them find their light, they're the ones that go out and find others that are like them, especially our young people. Our young people, and that's why I told, that's why I tell my babies every time I see them, you know your friends that are going through something. You know when something's not right with a friend that you're with, talk to them. If you can't help them, because to a certain point, young people can help enough, you know, they can't. I said, if you can't help them, tell them to come talk to me. And I told myself, tell them to come talk to me. I have no problem talking to anybody. I don't care. If you got a heartbeat, I'm gonna talk to you. I don't care what you look like, what you call yourself, what your religion is. I don't care. That's that's not for me. That's not for me to care about. I'm here to care about your soul, I'm here to care about the inside, not the outside. And if I can just help one person show that they're worth, you know, don't worry about what the world thinks. The world still thinks I should be doing this and this and the other, and the world thinks my look should be this and this. I don't care what the world thinks. I'm not here to to pacify the world, I'm not here to impress the world. That's not what I was here to do. I'm here to save as many souls as I can, to bring many souls into the light as I can, to motivate, inspire many souls as I can, and I have no problem using my life as an example because I was a dingling. Like I said, I have no problem. Been there, done that. There's stories now, my young people are reminding me that I used to tell them when they were younger that I had to give them the the real diet zero calorie, zero sugar version. Because I'm like, you too young. But they have reminded me that I told them that when they came of age, I would elaborate more on the story, give them the rest of the story. Well, they're making sure that I remember that there's and they remember the story. We're talking about five, six years ago. You know, we were talking in the ministry and there were stories, and I told them some of the things I did, and they're looking at me with their mouths dropped on the You did what? I think, yeah, that was me. And it reminded me now, they still remember the story. Okay, now what happened now? And I'm like, eh, you still not old enough to hear the the straight rated R version. So I'm about to give you the PG 13 version. But it goes back to show that what I'm doing is working because they still remember, they're still interested, they still trust, they're still talking to me, even though they're 14, 15, 16 years old. They're still willing to text me about what's going on. They're still excited, wanting to know when they're gonna come back to the house. Now that I have the bakery, and we're well, not not now that I have I've been having the bakery, now that they're old enough to get jobs, they're wanting to come work for me in either the ministry or the bakery, which is another reason why I'm trying to get this nonprofit up and running to get a building or something like that. Because they're wanting to work with me now. You know, they're wanting to, you know, get in there and be a part of it. They're wanting to learn how to bake, they're wanting to learn how to do this, they're wanting to help. And that that again is my therapy because what I'm doing is working that even now that they've come of age and they want to work, and they know that I'm trying to get a brick and mortar to put this, you know, all this stuff into place, they're like, Well, can I come work with you? I'm like, you know what? You know, you're gonna make me pull out my tambourine and start showing y'all how to praise around here. But that that's that's my therapy. That's what keeps me grounded, that's what keeps me doing what I need to do, which means Stephanie needs to get through her issues because she's got babies that are really to work. So that is where I am now, and which is why I haven't been on for a while, because once I did what God wanted me to do, all those blessings that was backed up for two or three years just came flooding through the gate. So I'm playing catch up, I'm trying to catch up to God because once I did one thing, the blessing that came with that happened. Once I did that, the next thing happened, and the next thing happened. So that is where I am now. So please forgive me if I'm not on as much as some people would like. I'm I'm getting better. I'm I'm getting better. Um, but I want to thank everyone that joined me today because, like I said, we're talking about depression because school is getting ready to start. And I'm gonna do another um, I'll probably come back on next week, right before school starts, because I have prayers that I do for schools, and we're also gonna talk about um is prayer not having prayer in the schools really the problem. It's something else I talked about. I don't think that's the exact title I use, but we're gonna talk about that too, because I was of that era where we did do prayer in schools, and I was part of that era when they stopped doing prayer in schools, so I was in there for both of them. So when people made that comment about, well, if they never took prayer out of schools, that ain't got nothing to do with it. That's not not a thing, but that's a that's a discussion for another day. As of now, let us find these young people. Let us find these young people when they're getting ready to go back to school. Some of them are ready to go, some people are terrified because you know the the coronas and their families and now the monkeypox and whoever they're gonna bring with them is running rampant. So just when they were trying to ease the the fear of the corona, now they got something totally different to be fearful about. And people are still losing their mind. You know, some parents are not happy that they're going back to work. We don't know what's going on in that household that them kids are seeing that they're not taking you know that anger from their parent has jumped onto them. Now they're going to school, and now they're terrorizing the people at school because of what's going on at home. We need to start talking to these kids. Talk to these babies. There shall be nobody else walking into the school with a doggone gun, shooting up the place because they don't feel well, because they're upset, because no, those are the ones we need to grab to the side, like what you getting ready to do. No, you're not going, you're not doing it today. Try again. Those are the ones we need to talk to. Those people that you see, those kids, those adults that you see, you know, where one minute they're all happy, joy, joy, and then the next day you see them there's something not quite right, and then by that second day, they really, you really know something's not right. Grab them. Find out what's going on because you may be saving the life, including your own. When we grab these people that we see that something's that something's not happening. That's the other part with this. People have gotten so used to that's not my business. Yes, it is. Because you may be where they are when they decide to shoot up the place. Then it becomes your business. It becomes your family's business, it becomes everybody who knows you's business. Because now they're praying and crying over you, hoping you're gonna live. We need to get out that mindset where things are not our problem, yes, it is, because you never know where you're gonna be, where somebody just like the person walked into the grocery store, shooting up people, walked into the school, shooting up people, the one that did the post office, shooting up people. You don't know where you're gonna be, where somebody may just lose it and they see you and you're having fun, and they're like, Well, why come I can't have fun? And they decide to shoot up the place. We need to start being more observant, and it starts with the people we know because, like again, word of mouth is the best advertisement you can ever have when you help someone and they've gotten better, and people who are around them notice that they've gotten better, and they're asking what happened to you, you were da-da-da-da. Well, Reverend Such and Such, and we had this talk, and you know she's crazy, but she was the funniest thing, and she explained to me, and da da da da. That's what people need. Word of mouth is the best thing. How did Jesus get all the people that he got? Word of mouth, because people went around talking about the man from Galilee, and it got around to where people were coming to wherever he was, where he was going to wherever they are, which is why I don't stay in a building. You know, I don't do the church sitting in a pulpit kind of thing. No, I'll go to wherever I'm needed because you know, I was out in the world when God found me, when Jesus found me. I might have to go out into the world and find people. People can always come to a church house. You got to sometimes go where they are, which is why, again, I say I'm on so many different freaking platforms, it's ridiculous. I can't keep up. But that's how I can reach my babies. And I'm reaching people in other countries, I found out. Glory to God. You do what you have to do to reach how you have to reach. That's what we do, that's what we're here for. We're here to save souls as many as we can, and I'll do whatever I have to do to reach however many I have to reach. So again, I I thank you. Today we talked about depression. Know that God is your all in all, and just keep going. Just keep on keeping on. If you dwell in sadness for too long, again, that's when we get into trouble because we stay depressed for so long that you know the world closes in and we stay down there too long that now we got these evil thoughts. These thoughts that if we weren't as depressed as we were, wouldn't be going on. So I say again, never let somebody tell you how long you should mourn or how long you should feel sad about something that happens. Never let somebody tell you that. But what I will say is don't stay down there too long, like me. Don't stay down there too long because that's when your mind starts to wander, that's when your soul starts to think of things, your spirit starts to break down because you're depressed for so long, you're down there in that deep darkness for so long, you start thinking of things that you knew you wouldn't have thought about had you picked yourself up and kept going. Like I said, I have now started a one-on-one where people can come talk to me. You know, I got the emails that people can send emails, you know. If you want to chit-chat that way, because I'm, you know, in the technology age, you got people that text, you got people to zoom, you got people that email. Again, however I can reach, however many I need to reach is what I'll do. That's just me. But again, thank you so much for joining me. And let us pray, Father God. I come here today to say thank you. Father, thank you for letting me see yet another day. Going nine years strong with depression, but Father, I still have not given up the fight. Father, I pray for all of those that are under the sign of my voice, Father, that you know what they stand in the need of. You know what they are going through, Father. And I ask in the mighty name of Jesus that you lift that demon of burden, lift that demon of doubt, lift that demon of depression so they can keep on, keeping on. Father, I pray that we touch many young people this year, Father, that are on the verge of just giving up, that they're saying to heck with everything. If I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go in a blaze of glory. Father, I pray that we reach those souls before they do something that they can never take back. Father, I pray for all the young people that are on their way starting school, the elementary to the pre-K, to the college, to the adults that are going back to school. Father, we pray for their safety, for their security. Father, we pray to wrap your arms of comfort around them so they can concentrate on learning and not concentrate on who's gonna come in the door shooting. Father, we pray for the leaders of the world. We pray for the educators who are trying to find ways to protect our babies. Father, we just pray for everyone under the sound of my voice, Father, for the things that may be bothering them that they don't feel that they can talk about to someone. Father, we pray that they find someone that they can talk to, that can help them know their worth, Father. Know that they are loved. Father, for them to know that there are value more than they could ever imagine. Father, I just thank you today for letting me see yet another day for me being able to talk to these souls, Father, to bring them closer to the light, Father. I will be that light in the midst of anyone's darkness. Father, use me as a vessel. Father, let me be able to use my life to show people that you can make mistakes, but you can still come out as pure goat. Father, I thank you, I praise you, I give you all the honor, all the glory. In your son Jesus' name I pray. Amen. And as always, always, remember to be that light in someone else's darkness. Until we meet again, stay safe, stay blessed, and know that I love each and every one of you.